I wrote few lines before and thought to blog it but
things never turned out to be successful. This is first time, I am trying to
write something and share what I have in my mind. There are many questions that
I wanted an answer from my mom, uncle, and other relatives. I am always
afraid to raise a voice, gradually after I attended boarding school and then
college, I managed shhhh away some of the fears that I have been carrying with
me. When I was small, I have this habit of keeping a diary. One day, someone
read it, and after that, I started writing in codes. Yes, in codes. I used
to reverse the words or insert some strange words that only I can understand. LOL.
College days, I kept a small but thick diary that I
write almost everything from first date to first kiss. Strange but true, I
never slept with anyone while I was in college. Maybe, I was very conservative
then. Yes, a product of a very (VERY) conservative family, who has to think of
family first. I was brought up in such a way that I feel that my mind is slave
under my stepmom. Even now, I am so scare of her snapping words; sarcastic
in her voice; and those hurtful words (that kills me slowly like a sweet smiley
knife).
I have to
point out that she is kind but very short temper. I get tears in my eyes when I think of her
beating me when I was small. Only my step grandfather would come out and help
me push her away from me. I miss him so much. He is the only person who cares a
lot and who died when I graduated from college. She then blames me for having an argument with
him. I love him so much.
From all the family members in my stepfamily, only
he cares about me and pampered me.
Others were more selfish and often reminded me that I don’t belong in
this family.
My stepmom always yelled at me, "don't ever
bring shame on our family or drag down uncle's name," my step uncle is
famous in our hometown and he is quite rich.
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