very happy today

I had a very good time yesterday and today (2nd March).

Yesterday, I met a friend , sat there at the diner from 11am until 3pm , talking about career, education, global issues, and life. It was really fun,  times flew so fast!  I came back home and was in very good mood.

Finally, I talked to my mom, uncle, sis, and relatives over the phone. It was a wonderful moment and had to say this that I am so relieved! Phew!! Happy ever after  "Grinning".

No, no, I still didn't find a job but happy at least that i talked to my parent.  I wish I can be of some help to them but I can't find anything right now. It is all about connection, luck, and working hard.  Hoping and praying that I will find something soon :)

Having a coffee right now and dreaming of big things in life.  I don't know if anyone is reading my blog if someone does read then I wish you a very HAPPY and SUCCESSFUL life. May my positive energy brings you with happiness in life, success, love, and kindness.

Storm is coming tomorrow in NY area, let me get prepared. 

Love,

SMILE ^_^

Networking : Mentor Event

So you all know that I am still looking for job. Yesterday evening, I went out to a networking mentor event, it was quite productive. I met two ladies on different tables, very kind and meant to help others. This kind of people makes me very happy. I feel that they are leading a meaningful life. I also wanted to help others and be nice to people.  Once I get a job, I will be true and honest to myself and do things that are "right" and "kind".  

There was one lady, with red matching lipstick and nail polish with pearls accessories, around 60+ old (UN, Human Resources officer). Very arrogant, although I find her stylish that didn't impress me or stole my heart away. She is in "B" category, who thinks that she has the power and pointed to us, "you should all connect with each other & do network, not with us” then she continues, “… we (she & her partner) are the senior level & can network among our level only.” Well, for me, this doesn’t make sense, those “all” are people who are searching job and they won’t be a good network or connect you with someone else.  You (mentors) have the ability to connect us with someone you know. She is such a “self-centered” person.  Anyway, I will not fill you in with her negative energy.  We need some positive people like “Ellen show.”

 Today, I wrote to one of the kind ladies and hopefully I will receive a reply.  Fingers crossed!! 

At the event, I met few of my friends/classmates. We are all looking for job, and hoping that we can see a light at the end of the tunnel soon.   

Wish me luck :)    

Turning my mind towards ‘Positive’ while searching for Job

 It is a snowy day in New York today. I just finished applying two positions and made a list of searched jobs on the spreadsheet.  Before grabbing my macbook, I had a coffee and fresh croissant. My long-term boyfriend (5 years now), he works during the night (6pm-6am), so while on his way back home in the morning, he gets me fresh croissant, soft, and fluffy. I love it when it is little brownish.  Thanks to him, I am beginning to see positive thoughts (he is a real deal in positive thinking/ignoring the stressed). Not that I am always negative. It is the “Job Search” that made me feel so down, frustrated, and stressed out. 

It has been now 8 months since I have been searching job in NY. Things are difficult but I encourage myself not to fall on negative emotions.  I have stopped talking to my sisters for a while now. I love them. They are very caring, but when you are searching job, you don’t want to hear them say, “You should do this and that” when I am doing all these: searching job/networking/attending events etc.  Also, when I meet them, they have this look that makes me feel very low, “you still haven’t found a job?”  “wow! You have graduated from this prestigious university and still no job???”  So now, since graduation last summer, am off and on replying their text and voice messages. I don’t feel like going out and talking to them until I fix my career on track.

These past three to four months, I have been using meditation technique to deal with my emotions.  It really helped me reduced my stressed level and increased focus.  If you are searching for job or stressed in life due to work, personal relationship, debt, family issues, tragic incident in life etc. I will recommend you to follow these:

• Lost something valuable? Thinking makes the difference:  While searching for job last year, July 2013, my macbook air was stolen.  It was such a bad luck for me (when I needed my computer the most, I lost it).  First, I was thinking, oh no!  All my applications, my past grad school courses, research papers, and many other important stuff.  Later, I didn’t panic much, and instead I was hoping that whoever stole it maybe needed more than me.  I learned from my grandfather that if you loose something, search but don’t get panic or stressed out, maybe the other person needed more than you.   

-       This helped me throughout my life. While in college, I lost a valuable stuff and my friends were so surprised to see me calm. Of course, I was sad but if you can’t find it then what is the point of getting stressed and sad. Maybe other person needed the most. 

-       Why I am saying that this helped me?  Some of us, friends, went out to watch movie and one of them lost her wallet. She cried and panic, we went looking every corner once theater was empty, reached back to dorm tired and sad. She actually suspected the person who was sitting behind our row stole it. Next day, I found out that there were only few cash and some unnecessary business cards. (why she wasted her energy crying and wrapping with negative emotions, suspecting someone who might have not stolen it , rather came to theater with his friends to enjoy it….)

•  Feel empathy– When you feel other’s pain or think of someone who is less fortunate than you, it is nature of brain to lower down your anxiety/stressed.  When I complained about my life and not getting a job, I think of those who don’t even get a proper meal for the day in developing countries. I recently read about an Indian man who has 5 daughters, and how he went through such suffer. His third daughter seeing her father in such pain, she hanged herself.  I know my family went through a very rough time. My father was away to another country for business with no news of him for a year or two. My mother was with her 6 daughters.  Finally, when a known rich couple (wife claims my mother is her good friend) asked me for adoption in my hometown, I was chosen.  I was only 6 at that time. They have many names on their list. Somehow, looking at my parent, known to be - humble, honest, hardworking, and very kind - got the prize.  This prize came with a huge pain in my life.  I was sexually abused by my stepfather, discriminated, and even dominated my mind in such a way that I still feel very scare to call my stepmom.   She expects me to send money.  I don’t have a job so am afraid to call her, afraid she might nag me or snap me or use some sarcastic words that will scare my heart again. I feel like I am sending money for raising me. 

•       Compassion, offer help:  Just last week, riding NY subway train, a man came in shouting, “I lost my job, please contribute some money.” I felt bad but I closed my eyes and murmured to myself, “even I don’t have a job & searching.” While returning back home on the train, I found another man who has only one leg, using a clutch and spreading his cap with his right hand, asking for money.  I again told myself, “what the heck, although I don’t have a job I can at least offer him $1”.  So I gave him the money, he said thank you & god bless you. Many times, when I see people handicapped, I feel some kind of emotion attached to it. I just wanted to give something what I have but then it is New York City, without job, you can’t afford to give away.  However, once I was sitting on the waiting bench on the platform, an old lady was having her leg in pain and she was rubbing it with her eyes closed creating more wrinkle appeared on her face (seems in real pain). I felt a gust of emotion that I wanted to ask her if she needed help.  She was surprised when I offered to massage her leg & knee.  I was wearing a dress with legging and I kind of sat down in squat position (weird) & massaged her leg. Her leg skin shows that she has experience many things in life with brown spots on that pale skin and red socks that has one little hole on the side ankle. I was blessed and happy to see her gratitude smile. 

•   Meditation, focus, aware of your negative emotions:  While searching job, I constantly sit on a chair for 2-5 hours - straight, however, I found out later that it is really a bad idea. When I look at the computer screen for long time, my mind started to get tired, frustrated, irritated, and it cause me to scream out loud.  Yes, scream out LOUD!! When this happens, what I do is meditate. It helps me a lot. If you ever experience this,  I suggest you to just sit down on the floor with cushion underneath (or be on the chair/ couch/bed) and just let the all thoughts to come over. Just be aware of your thought, it is like you are watching traffic from your car window. You will surprise to find numerous thoughts appearing (may even jam the traffic). Don’t worry!  Just be aware of it and slowly you will manage to find few thoughts on the road. Finally, you will find yourself hearing your own breath, and thoughts are not very visible.  That is the moment you will feel peace and relax in mind.  I suggest you to just sit there for 3-5 minutes for beginner and slowly increase the duration. It will need some practice. I promise that you will find some peace in your mind and you will feel more relax, and smile more often with positive thoughts.  

a lost soul trying to find her childhood Qs.

I wrote few lines before and thought to blog it but things never turned out to be successful. This is first time, I am trying to write something and share what I have in my mind. There are many questions that I wanted an answer from my mom, uncle, and other relatives.  I am always afraid to raise a voice, gradually after I attended boarding school and then college, I managed shhhh away some of the fears that I have been carrying with me. When I was small, I have this habit of keeping a diary. One day, someone read it, and after that, I started writing in codes.  Yes, in codes. I used to reverse the words or insert some strange words that only I can understand. LOL.

College days, I kept a small but thick diary that I write almost everything from first date to first kiss. Strange but true, I never slept with anyone while I was in college. Maybe, I was very conservative then. Yes, a product of a very (VERY) conservative family, who has to think of family first. I was brought up in such a way that I feel that my mind is slave under my stepmom. Even now, I am so scare of her snapping words; sarcastic in her voice; and those hurtful words (that kills me slowly like a sweet smiley knife).

 I have to point out that she is kind but very short temper.  I get tears in my eyes when I think of her beating me when I was small. Only my step grandfather would come out and help me push her away from me. I miss him so much. He is the only person who cares a lot and who died when I graduated from college.  She then blames me for having an argument with him. I love him so much.

From all the family members in my stepfamily, only he cares about me and pampered me.  Others were more selfish and often reminded me that I don’t belong in this family.

My stepmom always yelled at me, "don't ever bring shame on our family or drag down uncle's name," my step uncle is famous in our hometown and he is quite rich.